Sextimacy & Other Spooky Tales

Ahh, autumn. Today rain fell unexpectedly and lasted all day, and for me (at home), there could be nothing cosier (unless one could somehow nix the mosquitoes and add hot chocolate).

Very recently, I discovered the OKCupid profile of the girlfriend of the (openly poly) guy from the last two posts who claimed to be in an open relationship, and was relieved to see that under the Type of Relationship category she had put “strictly non-monogamous”. I knew she was Goth,  and teaches small children (thanks Facebook!), but this last bit of information eliminated any of the guilt I had felt about entertaining this guy’s flirtations, despite his repeated assurances she knew all about me. Regardless, I never fully felt able to trust him. Reading her dating profile enabled me to finally put a lid on wondering how she copes with being his only constant cheerleader. Who cares? Mind ya business, that’s the motto.

Insecure relationships can come in different flavors, but a common scenario I seem to walk into is one of triangulation. This is a tactic where the person you’re flirting with (or already with) wants you to see them as more desirable or worth competing for, so they randomly mention other people who’ve shown interest in them (an ex or a newcomer), test for a reaction, then play the jealousy game. Waving the polyamory flag adds a new level to this if you’re into such mind games. It’s a built-in escape pod and catch-all excuse for being inattentive and abrupt. Bonus points if they try to take their frustrations out on you after arguing with their committed partner, or hint that you (shiny new toy) are the one who truly understands them. Not the one whose salary pays their rent, bills and Netflix subscription. (F***)Boy, bye.

I may not be poly, but I do tend to be more drawn to high-risk, low reward, impulsive, lust-based encounters just after I’ve accepted a major romantic rejection. Dr. Jill Weber describes this state as the Depleted Self and these (for me, online) ‘hookups’ as part of the Sextimacy cycle.

“When self-love is lacking, judgment becomes impaired; a woman is more desperate to couple up and is so lost in this pursuit that she has difficulty making an accurate assessment of who the person in front of her is and if he can truly meet her needs. When partners are idealized, the illusion is destined to dissolve, leaving the woman depleted and with a greater sense of inadequacy.”

It’s easier to buy into the idea of a sexy fling after your ‘good girl’ investment into acquiring a long-term commitment has proved futile. Spoiler alert, it’s a broken coping mechanism that leaves you more depleted. I’d actually just read Weber’s book twice before I met this guy and wanted to see if hypnosis would give me more confidence in job-hunting. Unfortunately, he was only confident in his ability to do erotic hypnosis. (These jokes just write themselves…)
Next post I’ll talk about energetic cord cutting, emotional freedom tapping (EFT), and how much I love So Sad Today‘s Vice column. Bless.


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