Keeping the “Creepy” Label From Sticking: Reacting to Rejection and Boundary Limits

New favorite blog.

themissedcue

Naturally, most people do not want a reputation for making others uncomfortable or fearful, especially if they themselves would never intend to do such things. So it follows that people who step on boundaries by accident to the point of it becoming a recurring problem are concerned about what to do about it and many have turned to the blogosphere for insight and assistance. The response has not always been friendly.

Many feminist bloggers who are sick to death of the Creep question angrily respond to the massive chimeric wave of guys going “I’m not a bad person, I swear!” with

“Back off and apologize! DUH!! (You entitled misogynist, you!)”

Being Creepy is not a state, it’s a process. It’s a pattern of actions that can be interrupted at anytime. It’s not forever. Your understanding of “Creepy” will affect how you respond to advice on how not to be. We’ll…

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“interesting if true, but so what?” – managing the long-term injuries to sexual wellbeing — the dirty normal

Cleaning the house today, I am listening to Clarissa Pinkola Estés’s The Joyous Body: Myths & Stories of the Wise Woman Archetype, and was moved to write about something she said that I think is profoundly relevant to those of us who are trying to heal from the wounds inflicted on our sexualities by a…

via “interesting if true, but so what?” – managing the long-term injuries to sexual wellbeing — the dirty normal

How to Come Out to Yourself

This was pretty much perfect. Always a good time to reexamine how you think, and where better to begin than with yourself?

Disrupting Dinner Parties

In the queer community we like to talk about the maze of awkwardness, politics, safety, and inspiration that is coming out. In a world where everyone is taught to make assumptions about how “normal people” ought to live and love, those of us who don’t fit those norms are going to have to correct the assumptions of at least one person: ourselves. Coming out to yourself is what matters most, yet this journey is too often skimmed over in narratives of coming out.

I’ve come out to myself three times: as queer, kinky, and poly. The funny thing is that I’ve gotten better at it over time. My first coming out to myself was a torturous and slow process. My third self-outing was an exciting discovery. There are skills you use as you come out to yourself, and they’re skills that can be useful in every part of life. So…

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When Your Chakras Be Hoarding

It’s about to get real woo-woo up in here.
Last time we spoke, I told you I’d be coming back to talk about energetic cord cutting, remember? Which is in tune with October’s mood and aesthetic. Instead of picking up a ouiji board, we can create a conscious positive mindset by releasing or banishing the lingering spirits of past relationships. Like the trees, we can take this moment to let any negative or expired energy swirl away from us and fall to the ground.

Okay, so let’s start with how energetic connections are formed…

And next, we can take it to another level and do a body scan (this is a mindfulness technique, by the way) of our emotional body, to see where people’s energy has become attached to us.

I can remember after a falling out with a guy once, it felt as if the area behind my ribcage (lungs, especially) had been cleaned out, like a jack-o’-lantern, I felt that empty. The friendship recovered, but that moment really rocked my world in a “life comes at you fast” kind of way.

Another problem area for me is with my sacral chakra. Located at the pelvic area, supposedly emotional blockages can be opened up by lunges and wide-legged yoga stances you might want to try in private. Whenever I’m experiencing stress or uncertainty in my romantic relationships, the tension resides in my hips and my lower stomach. When I have tension/stiffness in my hips for instance, I feel like I can’t move to Beyoncé’s music properly. (The ramifications of this on my confidence levels are tremendous.)  Also, the solar plexus allegedly holds my power chakra. It ain’t so great when your power chakra is roiling with post-texting anxiety. Lastly, but most importantly, when I can’t seem to stop thinking about or talking to, or at, someone, it’s the crown chakra, letting the wrong one in, again.

Alright, so how do I leave my hotline blinging hooked-on-the-past bullshit in the past where it belongs? Some say cord-cutting, meditation and visualization works. Audio frequencies work on me occasionally. I’m continuing to try different things, whatever feels good, calming or even silly.

I did promise to tell you about EFT, didn’t I? Well, last week I looked up somebody who specializes in self-love, Gala Darling, and she had a fuzzy but cute video demonstration of it which got me curious to learn more. Here’s a look at Emotional Freedom Tapping:

That’s it, I’m out. Enjoy the rest of your October! #ScorpioSeason #DammitDrake

Sextimacy & Other Spooky Tales

Ahh, autumn. Today rain fell unexpectedly and lasted all day, and for me (at home), there could be nothing cosier (unless one could somehow nix the mosquitoes and add hot chocolate).

Very recently, I discovered the OKCupid profile of the girlfriend of the (openly poly) guy from the last two posts who claimed to be in an open relationship, and was relieved to see that under the Type of Relationship category she had put “strictly non-monogamous”. I knew she was Goth,  and teaches small children (thanks Facebook!), but this last bit of information eliminated any of the guilt I had felt about entertaining this guy’s flirtations, despite his repeated assurances she knew all about me. Regardless, I never fully felt able to trust him. Reading her dating profile enabled me to finally put a lid on wondering how she copes with being his only constant cheerleader. Who cares? Mind ya business, that’s the motto.

Insecure relationships can come in different flavors, but a common scenario I seem to walk into is one of triangulation. This is a tactic where the person you’re flirting with (or already with) wants you to see them as more desirable or worth competing for, so they randomly mention other people who’ve shown interest in them (an ex or a newcomer), test for a reaction, then play the jealousy game. Waving the polyamory flag adds a new level to this if you’re into such mind games. It’s a built-in escape pod and catch-all excuse for being inattentive and abrupt. Bonus points if they try to take their frustrations out on you after arguing with their committed partner, or hint that you (shiny new toy) are the one who truly understands them. Not the one whose salary pays their rent, bills and Netflix subscription. (F***)Boy, bye.

I may not be poly, but I do tend to be more drawn to high-risk, low reward, impulsive, lust-based encounters just after I’ve accepted a major romantic rejection. Dr. Jill Weber describes this state as the Depleted Self and these (for me, online) ‘hookups’ as part of the Sextimacy cycle.

“When self-love is lacking, judgment becomes impaired; a woman is more desperate to couple up and is so lost in this pursuit that she has difficulty making an accurate assessment of who the person in front of her is and if he can truly meet her needs. When partners are idealized, the illusion is destined to dissolve, leaving the woman depleted and with a greater sense of inadequacy.”

It’s easier to buy into the idea of a sexy fling after your ‘good girl’ investment into acquiring a long-term commitment has proved futile. Spoiler alert, it’s a broken coping mechanism that leaves you more depleted. I’d actually just read Weber’s book twice before I met this guy and wanted to see if hypnosis would give me more confidence in job-hunting. Unfortunately, he was only confident in his ability to do erotic hypnosis. (These jokes just write themselves…)
Next post I’ll talk about energetic cord cutting, emotional freedom tapping (EFT), and how much I love So Sad Today‘s Vice column. Bless.

How Baby Sociopaths Flirt

Before I go into my reasons for why I got into a brief relationship with a sociopathic narcissist (different blog post, that), it occurred to me to show you what it feels like to be flirted with by one.

The initial exchange of humorous internet links is a typical way to gauge the tenor of a potential friendship. Morbid humor is within the scope of this exercise, and so this seemed fairly innocuous at the time. We had just met over Skype, and he instructed me to look up his favorite thing, Llamas with Hats. Little did I know he was already testing my sensitivity level to characters lacking empathy.

He didn’t offer any other comedy links in the future, which I took for simple laziness on his part. I still viewed him as normal then, albeit severely unimpressive in the humor department. Alas. What more should one expect from a 21 year-old white male Youtuber? This was all unfamiliar territory.